Diary of a Warlock in Camelot
by OneDarkandStormyNight
Summary: A crack-esque one-shot, depicting an everyday afternoon in Camelot from the first-person perspective of Merlin. Formatted vaguely like a script.


_So this is a ridiculous piece that I came up with when I was bored. I just thought it would be funny to imagine Merlin was one of those "first-person" shows, the ones where the main character is a witty voice off-screen who tells what's going on. I thought Merlin would be a nice candidate.  
I think I've been watching too much of The Dresden Files the past couple of weeks._

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**Diary of a Warlock in Camelot**

Scene opens: Distant shot of Camelot in all its big stone wall and flapping flag glory. It's just after noontime; the sun's up and there's a breeze.

Merlin, dramatically, off-screen: "This is Camelot."

Scene changes: Close-up shot of the highest tower, moving at medium speed down into the busy market.

Merlin, off-screen: "It is the most beautiful and majestic city ever to stand on the face of the earth. It is here that stories of magic and adventure unfold like no other place in history—"

Scene: Turns a corner out of the market onto the practice field, where there is clanging of swords and armor.

Merlin continues, off-screen: "—stories of great battles fought in courage, and mystical enchantments whispered by sorcerers, and wild dragons with breath of fire."

Scene: At last line, a flag bearing the pendragon of Camelot moves over scene. Scene then maneuvers through a doorway in the castle wall, where maidservants scramble around with laundry and manservants shout at each other up and down the halls.

Merlin, off-screen: "This is a land of myth and a time of magic. It is a world of legends."

Scene: Moves through another doorway, up stone stairs, until it reaches a door marked "Physician's Chambers," inside of which a lean boy is scrubbing someone's armor. Here, scene freezes frame at him rubbing a hand over his forehead wearily.

Merlin, voice still off-screen: "My name is Merlin. That's me. What? Were you expecting an old man stirring a cauldron? Well, I guess I can't blame you. This is me, you know, _before_ the white beard and the dark cloak and all that."

Scene: Continues. Merlin on-screen shifts to a more comfortable position on the floor, accidentally knocking over the breastplate he'd been polishing, subsequently knocking over a table full of bottles when he tries to grab it. On-screen Merlin groans, closing his eyes and rolling his head back in frustration.

Merlin, off-screen: "You could say this is me before the fame."

Scene: Merlin tries to set up the fallen table with his magic, his eyes flashing gold, only knocking it over the other way when a squealing mouse gets trapped underneath it.

Merlin, off-screen: "_Long_ before."

Scene: Arthur's voice shouting down the corridor, getting closer with each call.

"Merlin!" Pause. "_Merlin!" _Pause. "_MERLIN_!"

On last, he appears in the doorway, obviously angry. Scene freezes frame on his face.

Merlin, off-screen: "This is Arthur. Also before the fame."

Scene: Continues.

Arthur, angrily: "Where have you been? I have a knighting ceremony to attend in less than five minutes!"

Scene freezes frame.

Merlin, off-screen: "Anything you've read about him is probably true. As a prince, he's handsome, courageous—the champion of Camelot. All the maidens in the kingdom want him. All right, pretty much _everyone_ wants him. But not _everyone_ is forced to be his manservant….No, that's just me."

Scene:

Merlin, defensively: "I've been polishing your armor, like you told me to!"

Arthur: "I told you to do that fifteen minutes ago!"

Merlin, frankly: "You've never polished your own armor, have you?"

Arthur, flushing with anger: "_Where is my ceremonial sword_?"

Merlin, gesturing: "It's on the table right in front of you!"

Arthur, swiping it up: "Meet me in the throne room in three minutes. _Idiot_."

Arthur stomps out of the room. Merlin makes a face when he can't see and mumbles to himself, "Prat." He stands and looks for his jacket and scarf.

Merlin, off-screen: "Before you ask, no, it's probably not the wisest thing to talk back to the crowned prince like I do, but Arthur and I have a…unique relationship. He acts like an ass, I act like one back. It's good for both of us, I think—mostly Arthur. I like to keep him humble. It's like a hobby, you might say."

Scene: Gaius enters from back room.

Gaius: "What was all of that noise?"

Scene freezes frame on his confused and wary expression.

Merlin, off-screen: "Gaius, the court physician and my great-uncle. I've been working for him for several years now, as long as I've been Arthur's servant. Gaius is my mentor and one of the only people who know about my magic. Anything I've learned about using my magic for good, I've learned from him."

Scene: Continues.

Merlin, in answer: "Arthur."

Gaius nods and sees the knocked-over table and bottles.

Merlin: "Ah. I'll pick that up when I get back. Promise!"

Gaius: "Don't be late for supper!"

Merlin exits room, runs out of the castle and into the courtyard.

Gwaine: "Hey! Merlin!"

Merlin turns, waves.

Frame freezes on the group of knights.

Merlin, off-screen: "The knights—Gwaine, Percival, Lancelot, Elyan, and Leon."

Scene: Frame stops on each one of their stupidly grinning faces as they are named.

Merlin, off-screen: "They're mostly idiots, but good men and great warriors for Arthur."

Scene: Continues. Merlin races down a hall toward Arthur, who has stopped to walk with Morgana.

Merlin, off-screen: "The Lady Morgana, Arthur's half-sister, though he doesn't actually know that yet. She wants to kill him,"—scene moves to Uther, who walks in front of them—"for a whole lot of reasons. Uther Pendragon—pretty good king, terrible family man. Also hates magic. Oh, did I forget that bit?"—scene moves back to Merlin, who walks alongside Arthur—"Yes, I'm technically an outlaw. And the prince's manservant. Destiny works in strange ways."

Scene: Moves up one place to Gwen, who walks behind Morgana.

Merlin, off-screen: "Guinevere, Morgana's lady-in-waiting. She's the only woman who _wouldn't_ want to marry Arthur…which is why I think she'll be the only one that does."

Scene: Gwen rolls her eyes at what Arthur is saying, but smiles politely when he looks at her. All enter the throne room, where some of the court members have gathered to watch a man be knighted and honored for bravery in an attack. Each one moves to his and her place.

Merlin, off-screen: "Everyone else you can probably figure out when you meet them, and you _will_, trust me. None of us might look like much now, but I have the feeling that someday, we might really be those legends you've all read about. One thing I have to say about Arthur—"

Scene: Focus on the prince, who stands tall as his father is speaking.

"—he may not be perfect, but he's pure-of-heart. He has a good soul and he loves his people. I believe in him, so perhaps someday, we might actually be great. After all, this is Camelot, and there is _never_ a dull moment in Camelot."

Scene: As he speaks, on-screen Merlin cuts his eyes toward the far end of the room, where a wicked witch is hiding in the shadows, ready to strike. On-screen Merlin narrows his eyes and tries to get Arthur's attention.

End scene.

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_No worries about reviewing. This is entirely _not_ a review-worthy story, I will be the first to admit. I don't even think it's a story at all... x)_


End file.
